


Not Like This

by graysonsflight



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Hurt No Comfort, This is here for the pain, semi graphic discriptions of injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graysonsflight/pseuds/graysonsflight
Summary: Barbara is finally willing to havethatconversation. Just...not like this.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57





	Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been in my WIPs folder for literal _years_. Please mind the tags - it is not a happy one.

Barbara Gordon was tired. It had been a long couple of days and her usual partner in… well… _fighting_ crime was currently on assignment in some godforsaken tundra. That being said, she’d take sleep, any and all kinds of sleep, where she could find it. She was currently finding it with her face pressed against her cool work computer desk, her glasses still resting atop her head, just beginning to tangle themselves in the finer strands of her deep orange hair. And then her wireless communicator buzzed in her ear, ruining what she was sure would have been a fabulous fifteen or twenty minutes of rest.

“Hello?” she tried not to growl.

“Hey there, beautiful,” a voice hummed to her from the other line.

“Dick?” she asked, her fingers rubbing circles over her eyelids. “What time is it?”

“Your time, or mine?” He laughed at her, clearly bemused. Barbara was not as impressed, but she hadn’t seen him in about two days. It extended her patience.

“Sorry,” she replied. “I fell asleep. We’re going to be up late tonight with patrol.” She heard him make some type of rumble in response. The noise lost somewhat over the comm link. She’d have to look into that later. The connection should have been as clear as if they had been sitting in the same room. She would know. She’d built the damn thing.

“I figured. You guys all doing okay?” That was Dick. Even though he was the one on a covert mission – he just had to check in and see that everyone else was okay. Barbara narrowed her eyes as if that could help her hear better. There was definitely something going on in the background, and Dick almost sounded like he was breathing heavy. 

“We’re managing,” she told him. “Are you okay? It sounds weird.” A pause stretched out longer than Barbara would have liked. “Dick?”

“Mmm. Sorry. I shrugged. I know, I know. You can’t see a shrug,” he told her, the hint of a smile in his voice. “It must just be the connection.” Barbara didn’t completely buy it. She figured though, that Dick was just lonely. She’d throw him a bone.

“How’s Russia?” she asked. It took Dick another beat or two to reply.

“Oh, you know…” Barbara waited for more, but it didn’t come. Her heart started to beat faster. Something was wrong.

“Dick?” she asked, unable to keep the worry from her voice. “What’s wrong? Is something…” she trailed off, swallowing down her nerves. “Are you okay?” The slightest hint of laughter came over the comm. link.

“There isn’t anything,” he said. “I just missed you is all.” Barbara returned his laugh, hers a little stronger as the knot in her stomach un-bunched a little.

“Missed me, huh? Careful, Boy Wonder. You’re getting dangerously close to that relationship line again.” She’d meant it as a joke, a tease, but his sharp intake of breath told her he wasn’t as impressed.

“It’s a stupid line,” he nearly hissed. “We should have crossed it years ago.” He sounded bitter – a sharp contrast to the lightness he’d had only seconds ago. The knots in Barbara’s stomach started tangling again. She didn’t want to do this, not when she couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Dick…” she whispered, her voice exhausted as she ran a hand through her ponytail. She could hear him breathing deeply. Once, twice, three times before he spoke again.

“It’s _fine_ …” he said, his voice soft again. “It’s just…” he stopped. The sound of his breathing was making Barbara nervous. It was too rushed, too… this was wrong. Something was wrong.

“Dick,” she said abruptly, her brain starting to picture something horrible. “What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?” Her mind was cycling through every instance of him being injured that she could remember. And there were a lot of them.

“I love you, Barbara Gordon,” he whispered, his voice sounding hoarse.

Barbara’s fingers tightened into fists. It wasn’t that he had never said it before – only that it had never sounded this broke. “You’re going to be home in two days,” she replied. “Maybe…maybe we can have this conversation then? Face to face?”

Dick let out a short laugh. “I just miss you, okay? And I think it’s dumb we don’t say ‘I love you.’” Barbara didn’t know how to respond, the knots in her stomach crawling their way into her throat. “You mean the world to me, Babs.”

“Dick, I…” she felt like her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth. This wasn’t completely out of character for him – he’d been telling her he loved her for years, but there was just something so heartbreakingly different about it this time.

“You don’t have to say anything, Babs,” he said, his voice a promise. “I know you. I know you love me too.”

“I want to have this talk,” she blurted, surprising herself.

“Yeah?”

“I’m ready… _just…_ ”

“Just not like this?”

Barbara can hear the quiet resignation in his voice, and it is shattering. She doesn’t want to let him down, it just… _everything_ about this puts her nerves on edge.

“It’s okay, Babs,” he told her, his voice a whisper. “I love you – we’ll wait.”

“It’s two days, Dick. I will see you in two days. At my apartment?”

“You’ll be the first one I come looking for.”

There was something _wrong_ . Barbara _knew_ there was, but there were pieces missing – something he wouldn’t say.

“Dick… I – ”

“Don’t say it Babs. You don’t have to.” She could hear his smile and she bit into her lip, trying to figure out why that didn’t make her feel better. “I love you. Goodnight.”

She heard the click, signaling the end of the call. Barbara had two days to try and figure this one out. She would tell him, She would be honest and finally admit to him what he already knew – she was in love with him and had been for years. But she was a coward and he deserved so much more. She would finally tell him – and then together they’d figure out where to go from there.

**\--*-*-*--**

The first thing that pierced through his mind was the pain. Everything else felt foggy and distant. Dick tried to move, tried to do an injury inventory, locate the most serious and go from there. Just like Bruce had taught him, but he couldn’t pinpoint the pain; it was everywhere.

He licked his lips, tasting the blood and dust that clung to them, trying to remember. He had been on the building of a warehouse; one with ties to…Dick tried to shake his head, willing his mind to fill in the gaps. He knew he was on a mission, had come to Russia two days ago with some intelligence on Red Claw’s organization. It was supposed to be recognizance only – no engagement. It was why he had been sent alone. _Why he…_

A coughing fit derailed him, his lungs struggling to choke in enough air. Slowly, Dick shifted his gaze, feeling the pain spike below his lower abdomen.

“ _Oh fuck_ …” he hissed. He had found the primary injury. Carefully, Dick ran his fingers along the steel rod lodged in his left thigh. He couldn’t reach the top, and the bottom seemed to be embedded into the broken concert beneath him. He was trapped.

Memories came back to him in a rush. He had been on the roof, there had been people inside talking, and then the heat of a fireball had lit up the room he’d been observing. A bomb. It had all happened too quickly, the roof crumbling beneath his feet before he could get away, sucking him down with it.

Dick weighed his options. None of them were great. He was in the middle of nowhere on a mission only three other people knew about, and he had no idea how long he’d been unconscious. He let his fingers press against the wound, clamping his jaw shut to avoid screaming in pain. There was no easy way out of this mess. _Hell…_ there wasn’t a hard way either.

Carefully, he brought his hands together, fingers moving numbly over the controls of the computer in his gauntlet. He prayed his tech hadn’t been completely destroyed and pushed the call button.

“Hello?” Her tired voice flooded his brain, making Dick smile.

“Hey there, beautiful,” he said, doing his best to keep his tone even and relaxed.

“Dick? What time is it?” she asked. He could hear how tired she was; felt bad, knowing she always slept less when he was away.

“Your time or mine?” He tried to laugh, tried not to let it slip into another cough as he did.

“Sorry,” she grumbled. “I fell asleep. We’re going to be up late tonight with patrol.”

The rubble beneath Dick shifted, his body sinking down further. It took everything he could to stifle the noise coming out of him, to change it to something soft, noncommittal.

“I figured,” he ground out once he could breathe again. “You guys doing okay?” Dick desperately needed the answer to be yes, needed to know that they’re going to be okay. That they were all talking to each other… _that they would_ … Another cough threatened to slip from his lips; he had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop it.

“We’re managing,” Babs said cautiously. “Are you okay? It sounds weird.” Dick heard the curiosity in voice; he could practically see her squinting at him, trying to figure things out. “Dick?”

He couldn’t let her. Dick Grayson knew he was going to die here, knew he was going to be alone, and he knew it was selfish of him, but he wanted at least some of it to be on his own terms.

“Mmm, sorry, I shrugged,” he lied. “I know, I know. You can’t see a shrug.” He turned his eyes up to what he could see of the sky, happy at least to have a little bit of starlight. “It must be the connection.”

“How’s Russia?” she asked after a minute.

Dick swallowed hard, desperately fighting to keep his breathing under control: “Oh, you know…”

“Dick?” He could hear the panic in her voice, adding weight to his own chest. “What’s wrong? Is something… Are you okay?”

The weak laughter escaped him before he could stop it. He wasn’t anywhere near okay. More than anything he wished he were home – wished he were with her – _wished he wasn’t_ …

“It’s nothing,” he said, cringing at the sound of his voice. No wonder she didn’t believe him. “I just missed you is all.”

The sound of her laugh filled his senses. It was soft, tentative, but it was her. “Missed me, huh? Careful, Boy Wonder. You’re getting dangerously close to that relationship line again.”

She was teasing, Dick could tell, but he hated it. Hated it so much – hated how it had always been there, keeping them apart – keeping him from doing and saying what he knew he should have, what he never would get to say to her face again.

“It’s a stupid line,” he bit out, tasting the anger and regret mixing with the blood in his mouth. “We should have crossed it years ago.” They _should_ have burned that line to the ground.

“ _Dick…_ ” she whispered. He had never gotten tired of all the different ways she could say his name, all the different bits of meaning pressed into her tone. He could hear her worry and he just wanted to hold her hand, feel her fingers on his skin.

“It’s fine,” he murmured, feeling the darkness starting to press in on his vision. “It’s just…” He couldn’t do it, Dick knew he should tell her, but deep down, he was just scared.

“Dick,” he voice was sharp this time, cutting through the haze, bringing him back, even if it were only temporary. “What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”

He had to stop himself from laughing again, knowing how crazed and desperate it would sound. What wasn’t he telling her? It would fill volumes – and he didn’t have the time.

“I love you, Barbara Gordon.” It was the best he could do, and he hoped she would forgive him for it someday. It was all he had, and it wasn’t nearly enough.

“You’re going to be home in two days,” she whispered, and Dick could picture her, running her hands through her hair as she tried to keep puzzling him together. “Maybe…maybe we can have this conversation then? Face to face?”

Dick laughed. He couldn’t help it. This was the conversation he’d been dying to have for years, and now that she was finally _almost ready_ , he really was about to die. “I just miss you, okay? And it think it’s a dumb we don’t say _I love you_. You mean the world to me Babs.”

“Dick…I…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Babs.” Dick allowed his eyes to close. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up, but he had to tell her that he knew. He had always known. “I know you. I know you love me too.”

“I want to have this talk,” she blurted. Dick could hear the way her voice climbed higher and higher. She knew. A part of her knew.

“Yeah?”

“I’m ready… _just_ …”

“Just not like this?” Dick finished for her. “It’s okay, Babs,” he lied. “I love you – we’ll wait.”

“It’s two days, Dick. I will see you in _two days_. At my apartment?”

He smiled softly, wishing he could bring himself to tell her the truth. That he would give anything in the world to be there, if only he could.

“You’ll be the first one I come looking for,” he said instead, wondering not for the first time if there was an afterlife – or _another life_ – one in which he could have done things right. One where they could have been together.

“Dick…I – ”

“Don’t say it Babs,” he said, interrupting. “You don’t have to.” He wanted it – more than anything, Dick Grayson wanted to hear her tell him she loved him, but maybe this way, it wouldn’t be so hard for her – when he didn’t come home. He licked his lips again, drawing on the last of his strength. “I love you,” he promised, his unsaid _always_ hanging in the cold night air around him. He hoped she knew it was there. “Goodnight.”

Goodnight, because he couldn’t bring himself to say good-bye. Before he could change his mind, Dick switched off the comm link. No matter how badly he didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want her to have to hear it when he couldn’t speak anymore. He loved her – it was the least he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt for this was: Person B knowing they’re undoubtedly about to die within the next few seconds, likely from the gaping wound they’re bleeding out from. Instead of calling for help, they phone Person A and carry on a casual conversation as if nothing is wrong, making sure to mention how much they love them before their time runs out.
> 
> And well...hopefully now that is done, you find yourself something happy to read - because _this wasn't it_
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and comments -you're more than welcome to yell at me. Please take care of yourselves 💛💛


End file.
